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Depression from my own point of view

Bleary eyed late rising for me today, this week I’ve struggled with getting out of bed. I’m back to wondering things like “What is the point?”
Don’t try and answer that one, I know all the reasons otherwise I’d just stay here in this warm bed forever.
I’ve considered going for a walk to try and blow the cobwebs out my ears but fear I might not wander back. There’s no reason to want to mope or sleep all day, yet there it is...
There’s no logic to being so down when everything is so good, but here we are...

When I go to work I’ve no creative blocks, the orders keep coming, maybe I’m just hard to please? My family are around me, my friends supportive. Yet still I’m sad. I have everything going right in my life, if I don’t tell you how I'm feeling you’d never even know these feelings are here.  I hide it well, a smile "I'm fine!"

I saw a video the other day, the last one of some celeb before his depression won and in the corners of his eyes when he smiled I saw it, I saw the shadow that hangs over our heads, I saw the pain in his heart that has no reason to be there. I saw his loneliness even though he was surrounded by loved ones and I saw that click, the click between winning and deciding it’s too hard to keep running... and I cried because I know that click could happen to me too. It’s a fine hair trigger switch and none of us know the trigger but we all have one.

I saw videos of the damage we do to the Earth.
I saw images of beaten dogs and neglected chickens.
A friend lost a loved one I never met and when I was alone I cried.
I used to believe that if you just had one big cry you’d be all cried out but this last year I’ve learned that’s not true, there’s plenty more and if you let it keep coming you’d drown. If you let go you cry till it hurts your chest, you cry so hard it feels like the world is ending but still there’s more and it's not even Winter now.

I don’t write this for attention, or seeking words of wisdom, or for assurances that I’m not alone or that it’ll end or that I’ll be happy again... I know all of these things. I write it because I can, I have the words in my head but others don't.
I write it so YOU know you aren’t alone, you can’t voice the pain in your chest, in the pit of your belly, the screams in your mind but I can, so I do. It needs to be said, life isn’t perfect. Some of us hide brittle smiles behind practised faces, it’s our one true superpower, we can fool you with a grin and a “Yeah I’m fine, how are you?”
The struggle is daily and the fight is draining.

I’ll pin my smile back on now, pull up my big girl knickers and show the world that I'm a normal happy person, honest. I’ve work to do, sparkles to make and smiles to create. I’ve people to make happy xxx

This isn’t a copied post, these are the words from the heart and mind of Beverley (Buffy) Wilkinson, aged 48 mother of four and grandmother of five.

Beverley of Alicry Trinkets